ZIMLINGHAUS.COM

2010-12-12T14:02:00.000-08:00

This site is done..

Please visit kennyzimlinghaus.com

thank you

चेक आउट माय उप्कोमिंग दतेस!

2010-06-30T04:26:00.000-07:00

I HAVE A NEW WEBSITE...

Its kennyzimlinghaus.com

December 18th - Kansas City CZAR BAR 8pm tickets I think here

2010-05-18T03:40:00.000-07:00

July 14th Louisville KY Improv

Tickets here

July 15th Nashville TN Zanies

Tickets here

लाइव शोव्स!

2010-04-02T05:15:00.000-07:00

MAY 8th Boston

Boston "Laugh Out Lymphoma" Charity show Tickets here

Wilmington NC May 12th at Nutt Street Comedy Room Nutt Street comedy room

Tickets here

May 14th and 15th Ft. Myers FLorida

The Laugh-In Comedy Cafe Info and tix here

Okay there's more, SOON.

Thank you.

फिल्ली शो tickets

2010-03-25T04:01:00.000-07:00

Hi.

I'm doing a show in Philadelphia on April 23rd. Tickets just went on sale.

April 23rd 8:30 (doors)

Connies Ric Rac This show is BYOB and I find that very exciting. So BYOB.

Tickets can be gotten here

Come out. More shows posted very soon.

Thanks

कॉमेडी ओं थे कंप्यूटर रेडियो!

2010-03-15T07:02:00.000-07:00

Comedy Nerds podcast

I did this internet radio show...it got deep.

Check it out if you wish.

2010-02-16T06:28:00.000-08:00

This Thursday night at The FunnyBone in Hartford CT 7:30.

Tickets are here

Thanks.

Thank.

2010-02-02T04:13:00.000-08:00

COMING UP!

Feb 12th and 13th in Boston! Tickets for Mottleys

March 5th "The Flaming Hearth" - Farmingville 8pm.

TICKETS FOR THIS

Thank you.

२०१० कॉमेडी शो दतेस!!!

2010-01-05T08:41:00.001-08:00

Hello. Thanks for coming to the site! Here are some dates you can come see me tell jokes and what not coming up in OH TEN!

JANUARY 28th-31st Go Bananas Cincinatti, Ohio

February 6th, Boston "Magners Comedy Festival" - Tommy's Comedy Lounge.

February 12th and 13th "Valentine's Day Weekend" BOSTON Mottley's Comedy Club

Tickets here

March 5th 8pm "Flaming Hearth" 756 Horseblock Road, Farmingville, NY 11738
TICKETS!

More to come. Thanks!

थे एंड ऑफ़ थे वर्ल्ड

2009-11-17T11:44:00.001-08:00

It's over in 2012, right?

We're done.

The end of the world. How can I prepare myself for The White House falling from the sky? Or being hit by a ship?

Oh, imagine being hit by a ship? An enormous tanker moving so slowly. Oh that'd be a terrible fail.

"I got crushed by a building, how'd you die?"

"Oh, its funny actually...the White House fell on me. I was in Colorado."

"Wow! Crazy. I got hit by an oil tanker. On land."

"You slow fuck."

If you think people don't give a shit about you now, imagine how they will be during the end of the world.

"Excuse me, you're stomping on my kid...yeah just let him up, okay, now you're biting him..AAAAAHH, you're eating my son! You are eating my kin!"

Then Mt. Rushmore explodes in your face.

Get a Go Bag.

There is a meteor shower tonight. Early tomorrow morning actually.

here's a link to NATGEO.

ridiculously slow.

Did you notice that National Geographic link above? It says NatGeo. That's what we call National Geographic now? NatGeo. The world has already ended.

NatGeo? It doesn't work. It's too exxxtreme for National Geographic. Didn't they have credibility? They were able to show titties before most magazines. Because they were National Geographic. So when you approached a naked tribal woman you could say, with a hint of an english accent, "Excuse me, may I take your photo for National Geographic Magazine?"

And the tribeswoman, knowing that her life would be made better because of the reputation of such a class act, obliged.

But NatGeo skates by on their board and snaps a pic from their cell.

And we all just accept NesQuik??? Like nothing? No fight about this. They did this one overnight whilst we were asleep.

Nestle's Quick became NesQuik.

Drink NesQuik. Fuck you.

I still drink it. I love it.

माय फवोरिते विडियो!

2009-11-13T04:01:00.000-08:00

THanks Emily for sending me this.

Remember these guys?

aahahahhhhhahhahaha!

हैप्पी Halloween

2009-10-30T16:04:00.000-07:00

Happy Halloween.

इ दोन'टी लिखे स्टीप क्लुब्स

2009-10-29T11:44:00.001-07:00

I'm straight. Really.
I love girls. I love naked girls. I love to have sex with girls.
I love breasts and all of that.

I don't like strip clubs.

The last time I was at a strip club I watched a fairly gross drunk girl take a nose dive off the stage in to a chair. I liked that.

but to me, hanging out with girls and paying them money so they pay you attention seems a little lame.

Not to mention you are surrounded by horned up dudes with hard-ons. Really. Its like some bizarre fully clothed orgy or TruBlood fest with just guys.

I always have that mentality with strippers like "I can take you away from all of this". Truth is, they most likely make more money than me and I can take them away from nothing. I should be like "take me away from all of this".

My father once bought me a 25 min lap dance for a birthday and it was rough. literally. Rough. I felt like my Dad paid a girl (hot) to wrestle me for a half hour and I couldn't use my hands. She won.

I'm not against stripping or strip clubs and will most likely still go (in hopes of watching liquored up naked girls take more faceplants) but to me its just not fun.

Eh...maybe I'm a nerd or too much of a wuss and I should just go in there with a wad of cash and celebrate life and pay for grinding.

Here are some of my favorite stripper pics:

I wrestled her. Him?

That's all

I'm in a video.

2009-10-27T09:48:00.001-07:00

Check out this video for Late Night with Jimmy Fallon.

Video Recaps | Full Episodes | Webisodes

परनोर्मल एक्टिविटी ट्रेलर परोडी!!!

2009-10-27T09:42:00.000-07:00

Check out this video for Late Night with Jimmy Fallon!

Thanks.

2009-10-16T05:01:00.001-07:00

स्चेनेक्टाद्य न्य शो ओं सेल!

2009-09-21T04:12:00.000-07:00

Tickets for the Schenectady NY show on OCTOBER 3rd are on sale now!

It's at a place called The Van Dyck Restaurant and Lounge.

It's a cool spot.

Tickets are only $10!!!

Saturday night October 3rd at 8pm in Schenectady NY! SIIIIIICK!

Please come!

Thanks

kenny

विसोस!!!!

2009-09-15T04:40:00.000-07:00

videos. (oh good...wow)

Bad Smell in club

Bad Smell in club

Sneezefart

परचुते गो-कर्ट crash

2009-09-08T04:36:00.000-07:00

AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaah!

Michigan show this Sat. Riverside Arts Center

क्लोवं doofus

2009-09-04T06:43:00.000-07:00

This is awesome.

Saturday September 12th TWO SHOWS!!!!

Stand - up comedy live!!!

Ypsilanti Michigan 7:30 and 9:30 with an afterparty!!!

Tickets are only $12

Please come!!!

2009-09-04T06:39:00.000-07:00

sointokenny@zimlinghaus.com

सो awesome

2009-09-02T07:01:00.000-07:00

This is awesome.

Saturday September 12th TWO SHOWS!!!!

Stand - up comedy live!!!

Ypsilanti Michigan 7:30 and 9:30 with an afterparty!!!

Tickets are only $12

Please come!!!

Throwback Jam!

2009-08-24T18:48:00.000-07:00

Throwback jam post (an oldie but foodie)

Saturday September 12th TWO SHOWS!!!!

Stand - up comedy live!!!

Ypsilanti Michigan 7:30 and 9:30 with an afterparty!!!

Tickets are only $12

Please come!!!

I hate frogs.

I like living in NYC because there are no frogs. I hate them because for some reason my brain tells me that I am afraid of them. Why? Why am I afraid of frogs? I'm not afraid of poison from frogs or anything like that. I am fearful of their moves and how not normal it is to hop around. So unpredictable. And sometimes they land on you and just hang out on you. I avoid them. I don't like to see them. You understand.

Here's how it happened. I was riding bikes one day with my friend Bobby around my neighborhood. Selden, NY. Long Island.

I got that map from a paper diner menu.

Bobby was a tiny kid. Like a freak bald at 11, firecracker-lovin, fetal alcohol-syndrome, swearing, cigarette smoking doosh. We were riding on the road right behind the construction for the new Selden Home Depot!

We stopped on our bikes and noticed the streets were flooded with little tiny toads. Millions. There were so many they were just spilling in to the sewer drains. And we had been riding over them for a few blocks and didn't noticed.

My Dyno was covered in pieces of frog.

*not mine..but looks just like it.

I panicked. I started pedaling hard and just ditched Bobby. Bye freak. Frog pieces were cascading down all around me. Hitting me on my back. "Is this how I am going to die?"- I thought. "Yes." - I also thought.

I made it home.

I left my bike in the driveway.

Every year, the frogs got bigger and bigger and stronger and stronger. So did I. Well, I got bigger and a little softer. Here is a pic of me during puberty:

But I was still terrified about these frogs. I hated cutting the grass, swimming in the pool (you'd have to check the filter for dead frogs), walking around the TWO FROG PONDS MY PARENTS PUT IN! --

They knew of my fear and still built TWO frog ponds.

"Oh, you're afraid of bears? Well, we built a Grizzly sanctuary in your bathroom."

"Oh, you're afraid flying? We moved in to a plane."

"Oh, you're afraid of your Dad? He lives here everyday. Wait, no he doesn't, you're fine."

I'm fine.

Frogs have been in every place I have ever lived in. Not anymore. Thank you NYC.

I'd kill myself!!!

If it rained frogs on me. Again.

My family always took the fear as a joke. I will never do that to my kids. I will nurture their fears. Help them to help them grow. I respect their fears. If my kid is afraid of monsters under the bed. I will hire my friends to hide under there. I will pay them to stay until around three a.m., when my kid son is at his loneliest. Then, my buddy...probably Greg, will shake the bed and groan and chant. Real chanting though. Not some junior varsity bullshit. Three weeks of legitimate chanting lessons will lead up to this. I will take my kid's fear seriously. And invest in them for the future.

The fear my child will feel will be real, genuine and I will not scoff at it. Too many parents make this mistake.

Come on!

I found this. Could barely watch it.

I could barley watch it. (that's a funny word mistake to make)

"I could barley watch that video about the history of beer"

"I could barely believe I am friends with you"

Can't believe you read this.

Info on chanting here.

thanks

मिच्गिना शो तिक्केट्स ओं सेल नो!

2009-08-24T04:08:00.000-07:00

This is awesome.

Saturday September 12th TWO SHOWS!!!!

Stand - up comedy live!!!

Ypsilanti Michigan 7:30 and 9:30 with an afterparty!!!

Tickets are only $12

Please come!!!

लोटस तो गेट तो!

2009-08-18T08:52:00.000-07:00

So much going on. Bloggin has taken a back seat.

"But why Kenny?" You say.

"It is what supposed to happen" I retort.

"Uh....what does that mean?" you ask.

I ignore the question and move on.

Here's what's going on.

BIG BIG BIG BIG BIG Show in Michigan!

TICKETS ARE ONLY $12!

Its at the Riverside Arts Center in Ypsilanti.

There are 2 shows so make sure you pick the best one when you order. Best one for you!

Also ---

I took part in this video with my friend Sara Benincasa and its like the #1 comedy video in 23 countries! WHHHHHHHHAAAAAATTT????

Here it is.

AND AND also --

My band "Food"'s first song is for sale for only 99c on Itunes!!!!!

That's HERE

Thanks.

See you soon.

Kenny

ज़िम्लिंघुस.com

2009-08-03T07:07:00.000-07:00

Hello.

This is www.Zimlinghaus.com. Please check out some audio on the right side of this site and some video down below. More to come soon.

Thanks.

I'm a jerk.

Kenny

थिस ठुर्स्दय निघत मोत्त्ले'स इन बोस्टन 8pm

2009-07-27T09:02:00.000-07:00

Big Show this week yo.

Thursday night at Mottley's

Boston! Thursday at 8pm.

Charleston SC was sold out - so get tickets

Thanks. See you there. Or not.

Bubblicious 4LIFE!!!

2009-07-15T14:20:00.000-07:00

I just learned from a friend of mine that KICKIN COLA was a flavor of Bubblicious. It tasted like Soda.

It has been discontinued.

Have you ever had it?

Wouldn't you want it? Especially in the summer?

We sent a letter off to The Cadbury Company. (These guys destroy the candy world) They make Swedish Fish, Trident, fuckin Sour Patch Kids and Halls throat lozenges. Unreal.

The letter was pushin for recontinuation of Kickin Cola Bubblicious. Here it is:

Hello. Thanks for reading this. First of, I love all of your products, most especially Swedish Fish. They are delicious. I'm not sure how much you guys listen to these emails, but I wanted to request the possible re-continuing of Kickin Cola flavored Bubblicious. It is also delicious. I know plenty of people who feel the same way about this gum. Plus it feels like the right time for Bubblicious to start kickin ass again!

Thanks for your time and consideration in all of this,

KICKIN COLA 4LIFE!

Sincerely,

Kenny Zimlinghaus

ps thank you.

-------------------

Friends,

Please don't let this fight die without your help. Make a difference. Change is coming to the United States. Dont let Lightning Lemonade win this fucking thing.

Here is the link to the Customer feedback section of Cadbury:

Fight with me!

A Commercial

2009-07-11T06:43:00.000-07:00

This is for my stand up show in Charleston SC on july 18th at Theatre99 10pm.

But tickets for the Charleston show here! Thank you.

And July 30th (special thursday night show) I will be in Boston at a place called Mottley's at 8pm.

Tickets for Boston show are here!

Thank you.

My walk to work

2009-07-01T20:47:00.000-07:00

I videotaped my walk to work. That's all I did. It's like worse than Blair Witch shaky---but its so damn real.

have a wonderful day.

मिराक्ले सोल सुर्विवोर बेबी फौंद!

2009-06-30T05:13:00.000-07:00

Amazing baby found in the Indian Ocean

amazing.

Stand Up Apartment Series

2009-06-27T11:26:00.000-07:00

इन डिमांड शर्पिएस

2009-06-23T03:56:00.000-07:00

Sharpies are like cigarettes in prison here at the office I work at. (SIRIUS XM)

Why? Why do offices make me want to murder people? They don't. I never want to murder anyone. That's not true.

TV show helps Utah boy survive night solo in woods

Man vs. Wild helped this kid.

BEAR!

I always read stories about people using things they've seen on tv. My mother got in to a car accident, got trapped in the woods and survived for three weeks using skills she learned from Three's Company. Thank you Janet for saving my momz.

Stand Up Apartment 3

2009-06-19T15:08:00.000-07:00

These guys are amazing.

The most inside video series about comedy ever created.

have a good weekend.

चर्लेस्तों साउथ कैरोलाइना!

2009-06-18T05:15:00.000-07:00

It's time again for stand-up in Chucktown!

My favorite place.

The show is Saturday July 18th 10pm at Theatre 99

Tickets are only $10 bucks and I feel like I'm worth maybe $11.50. So its a recession special.

Tickets are here

JULY 18th.

Always fun. Big long ass set of comedy.

thanks

kenny

हवाई ५-० गुइतारिस्ट डिएस.

2009-06-17T04:49:00.000-07:00

Hawaii 5-0 guitarist dies

His name is/was Bob Bogle. Great name. The best.

and here are some vids in tribute: Thank you Bob Bogle.

R.I.Aloha!

(not funny)

१२ अंगरी मस्कोट्स!

2009-06-12T07:15:00.000-07:00

12 Angru Mascots sports show at Comix...this is what I did there.

Have a nice weekend.

सीसीडे टोनी???

2009-06-10T04:28:00.000-07:00

Do you know about the magic nuggets of wonderful audio on the right side of this page????

If you don't--- get to know them, please. They will change you life. For the better or worse--or they will just feel like a waste of time..no they won't shut up.

Watch this: AHAHHAHAHA!

Wait. Why do I like this? Can't explain. It just cracks me up. It should be remade.

Greatness:

सुब्वय सुच्क्स!

2009-06-09T04:46:00.000-07:00

Gah!

What's up? Subway sandwiches are terrible. Are they made of plastic?

Last night I purchased a 6-inch tuna sandwich. And I was excited.

Here's what went down:

I got Tuna, red onions, lettuce, pickles, hot peppers and Chipotle southwest sauce.

That's sick, right? A great order. Oh and I got it on Italian bread.

These are not sandwiches.

They look so good though.

I ate it up quick, and 100% of the time I eat Subway my stomach turns inside out. GAH!

I cannot eat Subway anymore. I will have to switch to real sandwiches from now on.

I will never eat food whose theme is based on a transit system.

Picture of my stomach today:

Sorry Subway--our relationship is over....

टोपलेस काफ़ी शॉप गोएस डाउन इन FLames

2009-06-03T07:09:00.000-07:00

Booby-Coffee Shop Burns

Poor staff. A topless coffee shop?

Eh..sounds kind of nasty.

"Do you guys even have half and half?"

फूं विथ Sounds

2009-06-02T04:20:00.000-07:00

This will blow your mind. Or it won't

उह..बुद्दी?

2009-06-01T08:38:00.000-07:00

"A 25-year-old Egyptian man cut off his own penis to spite his family after he was refused permission to marry a girl from a lower class family, police reported Sunday." - AP

Read this story on 1010wins.com

Apparently they couldn't re-attach it. He's done.

He had it all wrong.

My family has punished me before. Grounded me, even took away my allowance or not let me go to a Knicks game here and there...but I've never cut my penis off because of it.

I try to just picture the process of cutting off one's penis and how long it takes. For some reason I always picture these guys using plastic forks to cut them off.

I think as a general rule - never cut your penis off in protest.

Not only will it do absolutely nothing for your cause, but you won't have a penis anymore.

No penis.

No freakin penis.

2009-05-27T06:03:00.000-07:00

I love this kid. You may have seen this, but I would steal this kid.

Siick moves. How fun would it be to know this kid?

थे Cougar

2009-05-26T04:59:00.000-07:00

Are you watching the Cougar?

Just wondering. She's 61.

Kenny?

2009-05-21T12:36:00.000-07:00

Sorry I haven't updated in a few days. I stayed up late LATE and had some beers last night, you know then I got to get up at like the taint of dawn. Waaah waaaah wwwwaaaaah!

"Taint of Dawn" = great name for a thrash metal band.

"Taint of Dawn"

or for a lighter group whose name sounds like Taints of Dawn.....it's "Painted Fawn!"

You know what occurred to me today for the first time ever? That my name is Kenny. And so is Kenny Rogers. Kenny freakin' Rogers.

He looks like a Kenny. I just feel like all Kennys look so much like what a "Kenny" would look like. Let's research:

Kenny Chesney

Yeah. All Kenny. He's like "sup?" Dork.

Kenny Wayne Shepard (don't even know how i know this name)

Keeennnnny. All the way.

Kenny Loggins

Oh yeah, totally. Such a kenny. his face is all kenny.

Ken the Barbie doll

Whoa, easy now. He looks like more of a Troy here.

Me:

exactly.

send me an email.

Banana used as गुन इन holdup

2009-05-18T04:40:00.000-07:00

Deputies: Banana used as gun in holdup, then eaten

Well, bananas used as bananas...someone else got scared.

Weeks end

2009-05-15T13:08:00.000-07:00

Have a nice weekend. Go outside!

तिक्केट्स तो जुलाई बोस्टन शो!

2009-05-13T06:12:00.000-07:00

Tickets!

The show is at Mottley's in Boston 7/30 8pm. Thanks

कॉमिक्स उन्लेअश अबाउट Twitter

2009-05-12T09:18:00.000-07:00

This was on CNN:

Really? Really?

that's it.

"To me its about the response" --

I'm not judging these two, but what is going on?

ZERO personality. ZEEEEEEEERRRRRRROOOOOOOOO.

thanks.

बोस्टन शो तिक्केट्स ओं सेल टुडे!!!

2009-05-11T05:53:00.000-07:00

hey.

Tickets for the Boston summer show are on sale now! (I have to tell you)

The show is July 30th at a club called Mottley's Comedy Club (the show is half way down the page)

The club is intimate and awesome, but that means there aren't that many tickets and they will sell out. Get them today.

It's Thursday 7/30 8pm...Let's do this

Tickets.

Thanks...

Happy Mother's Day

2009-05-10T09:59:00.001-07:00

My favorite headline on CNN.com today is:

Dick Cheney Slams Colin Powell

Have a great day. Enjoy.

स्टैंड उप अपार्टमेन्ट २!

2009-05-08T04:19:00.000-07:00

The second installment of the most inside video ever made.

And it looks like we shot it with the Disney Pix Micro 2.0 Digital Camera - Hannah Montana Stars.

We didn't.

Have a nice weekend.

ओवेर्हेअर्द इन NYC

2009-05-07T04:26:00.000-07:00

I heard this recently in NYC

A guy was talking to his buddy and said:

"Having a baby can't be hard. It's just like taking a big shit"

What? Really buddy?

Have you ever gone to the bathroom and noticed that your waste was attached to a rope connected in side of your body that needs to be cut with scissors?

You've taken shits in hospitals and then had to take the shit home with you and take care of it for the rest of its life?

Have you started saving money to put your piece of shit through school?

Yeah, I just nailed that guy.

Mother's Day is just around the corner.

Please join my Facebook group. It's the best.

it's okay.

Tweet me.

फस Transplant

2009-05-06T05:06:00.000-07:00

hi...

My friend MC Aaron has ranked his favorite nuts and I'm now doing the same today:

1. Peanut (hands down..unsalted)

*salted

2. Cashew (amazing yet pricey)

3. Almond (almond milk = delicious and its no dairy--delicious)

4. Walnut

(I'm too tired to put up more pics of nuts)

5. Pecan

6. Hazlenut

7. Chestnut (The nuts are an important food crop in southern Europe, southwestern and eastern Asia, and also in eastern North America before the chestnut blight.In southern Europe in the Middle Ages, whole forest-dwelling communities which had scarce access to wheat flour relied on chestnuts as their main source of carbohydrates)

okaaay ---

I don't eat any other nuts.

My Twitter

have a good day.

Television tonight!

2009-05-04T18:39:00.000-07:00

Hey.

I just saw a commercial for the new ABC's "The Bachelorette".

(pictured below)

One of the quotes from the new bachelorette was "I don't give a crap what a guy puts on a hotdog as long as he loves me"

Really? I put throw up on my hot dog.

Really? I put other girls on my hot dog.

Oh really? You don't care what I put on my hotdog? Well, that's hurtful and I want a woman who cares about what I put on my hotdogs.

I put your pinkeys on my hotdog. I've been doing it for years, Stubby.

More people might watch that show if it were called "The Batch".

My friends Facebook status right now is "You know you've had a good workout when you feel like you just had sex"

Yeah...or a terrible workout?

"How was the gym?"

"Uh, it was okay, but I came in my pants on the Gazelle"

"It was okay, except I'm really sad and alone right now, and my genitals feel like I just rubbed them with steel wool."

"I worked out pretty har...Is that blood? Oh my God. It is! WTF?!" (sorry)

It could be worse

2009-05-03T18:56:00.000-07:00

Hey.

This video is 2 mins 44 seconds too long!

Look:

There's no way they are enjoying themselves. They can't be. Too many moves.

They deliver the news.

If I was in this video, the name of it would be "The Last Thing Kenny Zimlinghaus Did Before He Ended It All"

Actually, since everyone seems to find my last name difficult to spell, the headline would read "The Last Thing Kenny Dingringdraws Did Before He Shot himself"

Yeah, I changed a couple of parts.

Let's just get through the day.

पानुत बुट्टर फ्रिदय!

2009-05-01T05:28:00.000-07:00

Hello.

Peanut Butter is my favorite everything. It is #1 on every list I have. I eat PB every day. Most times on bread and I never put it anywhere else on my body but in my stomach.

I prefer chunky.

If I had to eat other sugary peanut butter I would choose:

That's right, I'm a choosey mom in a pinch.

This man:

George Washington Carver.

The best.

This is crack.

What is this website? Really? Am I even doing anything on this website. Please check out some of the audio clips on the right. Next week, there will be more added.

have a nice weekend.

पुनिशिंग म्य्सेल्फ़...

2009-04-28T04:59:00.000-07:00

I was on the Jumbotron twice at the Mets game on Sunday.

I also dropped a foul ball.

My father was at the game sitting 13 rows back. When I dropped the ball my father called my cell and was like "I hate you."

So please allow me to punishment myself for dropping my first chance at catching a foul ball.

Here is a video shot of me getting a pedicure. (the editing is a bit choppy it seems)

dah.....that happened.

अल वर्क एंड नो Sleep

2009-04-22T05:58:00.001-07:00

Today I would like to write a letter to my cat Steve.

This is him:

Steve,

Hey buddy, thanks for reading this. Last night, the most sleep I could have gotten was 3 hours and 20 mins. And you know I get up early. As soon as I began to fall asleep, you started with your "Helwo...helwo....helwooooo" over and over again. This prevented me from sleeping. And Steve, I am having a rough day.
I feed you and provide you shelter and I've clipped your nails! I can't even think of something I thought I'd never do. Clip a cat's nails??? Give cats pedicures? And I don't even like cats buddy. How to keep you quiet???

I've looked in to getting you a cat muzzle. And here is its (pic is real)

This is real buddy. Please respect me. Stop scratching at night, stop helwo-ing.

Love,

your dad (and master) (and owner)

Silly Girls in the News

2009-04-19T14:06:00.000-07:00

Silly girls:

Miss. woman gets shot in the head but makes tea

She's going to survive.

And this---

Ohio teacher took students to strip club

Female teacher. Male strip club.

Oh and Madonna fell off a horse.

पोलर अत्ताक्क्स Woman

2009-04-13T04:18:00.000-07:00

Ploar Bear attacks woman at the Berlin Zoo.

She jumped in with them?! During feeding time...Here's a pic (SCARY):

Oh my GOD!
sorry for posting that, but it was the first thing I saw this morning.

If today is not going well, recall this image.

Brawl at Wake!

2009-04-07T10:56:00.000-07:00

Woman with beer can in hand starts brawl at wake

This story is amazing...It was a brawl.

"The first woman then allegedly grabbed a man by the face, leaving scratch marks on his lower right cheek and causing him to bleed. The man's mother, then allegedly slapped the woman and kicked another woman in the chest."

A man's mom kicked a woman in the chest. At a funeral. Unreal. This woman was just at the funeral. She went from sitting at a wake to kicking a woman in the chest. I've never kicked a woman in the chest in my entire life and probably never will. Probably.

To instinctively dropkick is the stuff dreams are made of. In fact, in an older post we celebrated the dropkick inventor's birthday:

The dropkick!

Was invented by this guy:

Abe Coleman.

Let that one marinate.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Babylon.

there's more:

"A sheriff's report claimed the woman with the beer became "passively aggressive" with deputies and said that "no backwood country cop" was going to take her to jail."

Backwood country cops don't take women who start fights at funerals to jail???

What exactly is a backwood country cop? I google-imaged it:

Uh...that was a waste of time. Don't do it.

Sorry I have no picture...Here's a drawing of Zeus:

I hope you're doing ok.

Prohibited Piercing

2009-04-02T12:51:00.000-07:00

A Long Island Teenager Arrested For Illegal Body Piercing

I guess he was piercing underage kids.

They charged him with two counts of "prohibited piercing".

Can we just look at some people who really should've been arrested for prohibited piercing? (sick name for a band).

uh...warning. These pictures are disgusting:

I met her through Eharmony.com

I think this guy was a substitue teacher at my high school

Holy shit. This next picture is incredibly disturbing to me:

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH.

Come on! I just threw up. Disgusting. What brain synapse has to fail in order for you to think you have to start looking like a cat?

Oh my god. I would punch this lady. Sorry. I'm just that scared. Imagine seeing this on the street. She's walking right toward you. You're about to pass each other and you start to see that she looks a real cat-beast man woman. GGAAAH! I can't. I'm sorry. I'm sorry you ever looked at that. We can never go back. You cannot erase that...Let me move down.

I don't think I want to keep looking at these pictures:

Damn. I'm not judging, but it looks so uncomfortable. Can you eat cereal and stuff?

Imagine you were on the couch sitting up watching TV and this guy was sitting next to you. Watching TV. Not moving. Just staring at the screen.

And then he would slowly turn his head and just stare at you.

Your heart would start to race. And the rattling of his face rings would send a chill down your spine. And you'd remember the time you got bit by your neighbor Sean's dog hard on the arm. You'd quickly think of the jingling of that dog's collar and think for a moment that the thing you are watching Mythbusters with is going to eat you alive. You'd scream.

And this happy guy, who to me kind of looks like Heath Ledger's Joker a little, would be so hurt that you didn't trust him because he has a lot of rings on his face. He eyes would tear up at the way your face couldn't hide the fact that you look at him like he is decaying right in front of you.

You'd feel bad.

And you'd bravely kiss him to stop his crying. That's scary shit.

I had an earring in 6th grade. I was chubby, wearing purple Z Cavaricci pants and a sweatshirt that said "Just Surfin'" written all over it.

Okay---- feels like there was just a little earthquake in NYC.

2009-03-30T11:42:00.000-07:00

Deaf Children Area

This club smelled horrible when the show started. Cesspool-like. You understand.

Bad Smell in club

I Hate Frogs.

2009-03-23T17:32:00.000-07:00

I hate frogs.

I like living in NYC because there are no frogs. I hate them because for some reason my brain tells me that I am afraid of them. Why? Why am I afraid of frogs? I'm not afraid of poison from frogs or anything like that. I am fearful of their moves and how not normal it is to hop around. So unpredictable. And sometimes they land on you and just hang out on you. I avoid them. I don't like to see them. You understand.

Here's how it happened. I was riding bikes one day with my friend Bobby around my neighborhood. Selden, NY. Long Island.

I got that map from a paper diner menu.

Bobby was a tiny kid. Like a freak bald at 11, firecracker-lovin, fetal alcohol-syndrome, swearing, cigarette smoking doosh. We were riding on the road right behind the construction for the new Selden Home Depot!

We stopped on our bikes and noticed the streets were flooded with little tiny toads. Millions. There were so many they were just spilling in to the sewer drains. And we had been riding over them for a few blocks and didn't noticed.

My Dyno was covered in pieces of frog.

*not mine..but looks just like it.

I panicked. I started pedaling hard and just ditched Bobby. Bye freak. Frog pieces were cascading down all around me. Hitting me on my back. "Is this how I am going to die?"- I thought. "Yes." - I also thought.

I made it home.

I left my bike in the driveway.

Every year, the frogs got bigger and bigger and stronger and stronger. So did I. Well, I got bigger and a little softer. Here is a pic of me during puberty:

But I was still terrified about these frogs. I hated cutting the grass, swimming in the pool (you'd have to check the filter for dead frogs), walking around the TWO FROG PONDS MY PARENTS PUT IN! --

They knew of my fear and still built TWO frog ponds.

"Oh, you're afraid of bears? Well, we built a Grizzly sanctuary in your bathroom."

"Oh, you're afraid flying? We moved in to a plane."

"Oh, you're afraid of your Dad? He lives here everyday. Wait, no he doesn't, you're fine."

I'm fine.

Frogs have been in every place I have ever lived in. Not anymore. Thank you NYC.

I'd kill myself!!!

If it rained frogs on me. Again.

My family always took the fear as a joke. I will never do that to my kids. I will nurture their fears. Help them to help them grow. I respect their fears. If my kid is afraid of monsters under the bed. I will hire my friends to hide under there. I will pay them to stay until around three a.m., when my kid son is at his loneliest. Then, my buddy...probably Greg, will shake the bed and groan and chant. Real chanting though. Not some junior varsity bullshit. Three weeks of legitimate chanting lessons will lead up to this. I will take my kid's fear seriously. And invest in them for the future.

The fear my child will feel will be real, genuine and I will not scoff at it. Too many parents make this mistake.

Come on!

I found this. Could barely watch it.

I could barley watch it. (that's a funny word mistake to make)

"I could barley watch that video about the history of beer"

"I could barely believe I am friends with you"

Can't believe you read this.

Info on chanting here.

thanks

2009-03-23T08:51:00.000-07:00

FISH SANDWICH CHALLENGE!!!!

I am aggressively seeking information and sampling every fish sandwich I can from national chains. I'd like to rank them by Friday....

If you know any good ones...email me ken.zimlinghaus@gmail.com

That's right. Ken.

Thanks

2009-03-17T10:46:00.000-07:00

La. police arrest growling man on drug charges.

I wish I had the balls to growl at the police. I got nervous once driving around in a convertible once when I saw a cop.

2009-03-16T09:08:00.000-07:00

Hello. So this video is so incredibly inside. But I dont know what its the inside of, however you maaaaay like it.

That's my buddy Greg Johnson. Sometimes our friend Dave calls him Craig Johnstone.

But, thats Dave, you know? Just nailin it...always.

2009-03-16T04:37:00.000-07:00

Woman struck by errant arrow in the Bronx

End of Days!

He shot this from Jersey.

2009-03-09T08:42:00.000-07:00

Okay. Great. Hello.

Lot's going on.

Lexington Kentucky is a wonderful place. I took some video and will get is up ASAP.

Be right back.

2009-03-06T11:07:00.000-08:00

Hey.

I'm in Lexington KY this week. Its a VERY nice place. Everyone (and every Ron) is very friendly and all of that.

And I think it's inspired this whistling I was able to blast out this morning. I had to record it. The recording sounds breathy, but I assure you it was crisp and clear. I think its the Lexington air quality that helps the flow.

One thing you will notice is at the very end of the whistle I let out an "ooh.." that is very genuine. I had to share it.

Thank you Kentucky!

It's called "The Lexington Whistle" (its just a practice session so remember that before you send me death threats) and its on the player on the side of my page.

Have a good day.

kenny

2009-03-03T08:43:00.000-08:00

Lexington KY starting tomorrow night!!!! until sat. Comedy OFF Broadway

Here's a old throw back post: (because I am lazy)

Hi.

a little pre-note* - Wikipedia has the listing for hockey player Mark Messier this way:

Mark John Douglas Messier (born January 18, 1961, in Edmonton, Alberta) is a former ice hockey centreman of the National Hockey League. He spent a quarter of a century in the NHL (1979-2004) with the Edmonton Oilers, New York Rangers, and Vancouver Canucks. He also played professionally with the World Hockey Association's Indianapolis Racers and Cincinnati Stingers. At the time of his retirement, he was the last former WHA player still active in professional hockey, as well as the last active player who had played in the NHL in the 1970s.

----------------------------------

So, if you din't know of him, now maybe you do. That being read, I found this pic:

it's Gary Coleman and Mark Messier drinking a Red Stripe and laughing. AND and and and and...

I think you can see Messier's testicle! DAAAAH!

What led to this situation? It's like a joke.

"Okay, so Gary Coleman is standing next to Mark Messier who is in a towel and drinking a Red Stripe laughing.

Gary says "hey Mark, can you sign this for me?"

Then Messier says, "hey look at this!" and he points to his testicle which has popped out of his children's beach towel.

"Can you sign this for me?" Then he spits beer in Coleman's face.

AHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHHAH! - (is not the response this joke would get)

I love that I spent time paintbrushing a NY Rangers Blue square around Mark Messier's testicle. And it looks like something Perez Hilton would do.

I guess even worse is that I thought finding the picture was important enough to tell you and work optical picture computer science to make a square around his ball.

Have a great day.

2009-03-02T09:41:00.000-08:00

CHAMPIONS!!!!

THE HAMBONES ARE #1! (That excitement on my face is real..I'm making an X)

That's right. These are the Hambones NYC bowling squad. And we are the champs.

Yesterday, the Hambones fought a grueling match against Nightman Cometh to clinch our undefeated season and become The 2009 champions.

The team bowled amazing as a unit. Most impressive was Vanessa Hambone killing it with a 166!!!

Vanessa is on the left.

Enjoy 2009 Hambones! And everyone else of course.

thank you for reading this. And I hope the Hambones victory can inspire you to do what seems impossible! Win a bowling league.

Kentucky this week. Lexington. Let's do it!

2009-03-02T06:04:00.000-08:00

Monday. And its a good one!!!

My bowling team, THE HAMBONES, just won the championship yesterday!!!

Big update to come later...with pics!!! (I know you're ridiuclously excited)

later on...

2009-02-26T18:44:00.000-08:00

This kid is my hero! right now. My heros change, you know? At one point in my life He-Man was my hero. He's not anymore. Heroes are temporary. that seems sad.

Look how sad he looks.

bye bye. have nice weekend.

2009-02-26T09:17:00.000-08:00

The Eye of GOD. Aaaaaaahhhh!

Scientists find the eye of God!

great.

GOD has blue eyes. Siiiick.

2009-02-25T09:49:00.000-08:00

Hi.

I can't believe people are still buying the Craftmatic Adjustable Bed?

The thing is like 6 grand????!!!!!!

Buy a pillow or sit up. You don't need an engine in your bed get up. You need a back muscle. Maybe a little will to live.

And people are all fired up now about memory foam mattresses.

I don't want my mattress to remember anything.

Mattress: "Hey, do you remember last week?"

Me: "Uh..."

Mattress: "I do. I've never seen someone search the web so quickly with so much Vaseline on their hands"

If you've never been here, please check out EVERYTHING!

Thanks

पानुत बुट्टर

2009-02-24T04:10:00.000-08:00

It's getting worse!!! I am so sorry Peanut Butter.

Use this to check the FDA's list of tainted goods.

Good luck!

2009-02-23T05:26:00.000-08:00

Uggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...MONDAY.

I don't like them!

Really. There is nothing easy about getting up on a Monday.

I'm a relatively pleasant guy. But, when I wake up on Mondays I want to murder people. Literally...murder.

An Axe Murderer sounds like a person who kills axes.

Axe murderers are the only type of murderers whose title includes their weapon, you know?

There are no Gun Murderers.

"He's a knife murderer"

"So I Married a rope murderer"

Whatever.

Whilst I'm at it, a the term Metrosexual sounds like someone who masturbates on trains.

Am I right? okay. Lexington KY next week yo.

No shows on a Monday.

CHECK OUT THE NEW VIDEO PLAYER I JUST GOT BELOW! or don't.

2009-02-20T06:46:00.000-08:00

Hello.

I hope you have a wonderful weekend.

Deaf Children Area

2009-02-19T07:03:00.000-08:00

Some facebook status messages I've seen recently:

"Nadya can't find #7,4,and 12" - Octomom.

"Dave is hoping those black guys I just saw don't rob me" - NY Post Cartoonist

"Michael Jackson is so fucked..he's like a kid getting fucked by Michael Jackson" - Michael Jackson

"Chris Brown has gone from 'in a relationship' to 'single'" - Rihanna

"Travis is starting not to like this woman" - Travis the chimp.

"Alex is juicing right now" - A-Rod.

"FB is excited to own all your stuff" - Facebook

eeeright...

Here's a picture for you:

Nice body, kid.

have a good day.

2009-02-18T04:33:00.000-08:00

Helloooo.

Big Headline today: Chimp attack!!!

This ends kind of sad. But, Travis the chimp could eat at the table and drink from a glass, but he attacked someone out of nowhere and had to be put down. Just check out how cool looking Travis was:

So wise.

Damn. Sorry to see him go. He looks so awesome. Wanna watch movies from Netflix instantly with him every day.

Man....

Can't believe this chimp flipped out. He was famous. He let it get to his head.

Bye Travis.

Now let's look at some great chimp pics:

Brings tears to my eyes.

I used to work for this guy.

A Beautiful Mind.

See how this website works? Quick--easy.

Also --

I'll be doing stand up March 4-7 in Lexington KY if you are in the United States area you should come. The place is called Comedy Off Broadway.

2009-02-11T20:39:00.001-08:00

2009-02-10T04:40:00.000-08:00

FBI Raids Peanut Butter Plant!

pull through pb.

2009-02-07T09:44:00.000-08:00

PlEASE BUY PEANUT BUTTER!

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH PEANUT BUTTER!!

BUY PEANUT BUTTER.

please.

thank you.

2009-02-06T07:26:00.000-08:00

Hello.

I did this radio interview with The Comedy Nerds recently. It was a good time.

If you wish you can check it out: ITS HERE.

Have a nice weekend.

2009-02-05T05:08:00.000-08:00

Hello. thanks for reading this blog as you do. I appreciate it.

I wanted to put this video up because The Dream films made it a while ago and its a series. Maybe you haven't seen it, and maybe today is the day you really get in to it.

It's The Larry and Carl series:

Here's is #1

Thanks. If you missed yesterday's "Fleshlight Day" post, feel free to check that out as well. Man...thanks.

2009-02-04T08:12:00.000-08:00

Hello. What's going on today? Anything good? Is reading this site a complete waste of time?

I don't think so because.....

It's Fleshlight Day!

Do you know what the Fleshlight is? Well, if you don't you can click on that link...there's nothing dirty except like plastic women parts and such.

It looks like this:

Well scroll down..its not gross but its just wierd and I don't want it popping out right when you read this: ( I respect you)

That's it. I realize you didn't have to scroll much.

So, the Fleshlight is a tool that guys can use to simulate the feeling of being with a woman. And its discrete because it conveniently looks like a flashlight.

How discrete is that really?

"Man, Bill really loves that new flashlight of his...takes it everywhere."

"Why is that guy having sex with a light?"

I just feel like if you're making a transformer fake vagina, why make it turn in to a light?"

The afterglow.

What kind of guy do you have to be to purchase The Fleshlight? Oh, yeah, lonely.

Custom-Made.

Okay.. Have a warm day.

kenny

2009-02-03T04:53:00.000-08:00

Man in Wheelchair Allegedly Steals Purse, Spits

That's right...spits. Not splits. Man robs then splits. Not the case here. He was in a wheelchair so he couldn't split.

He could split if he was in the wheelchair from the movie Silver Bullet. Have you seen this film?

The wheelchair was so awesome. (but I can't find a pic) Almost makes you want to lose your legs. Almost.

But now I am finding some of the sickest wheelchairs:

I feel like you're no longer handicapped if you have one of these.

Still handicapped. But, very relaxed.

Have you ever noticed how comfortable coffins look? They look so comfy.

Look at the pillow. fluffy.

That's gay.

this one I like.

Have a great day. Steve Tuesday.

2009-02-02T04:08:00.000-08:00

Okay Monday.

"I'm gonna slide right there..balls first!"

What a Super bowl.

2009-01-29T04:14:00.000-08:00

AHAHAHAHHAHAAAA!

Man smears his lawyer's face with feces and then throws it at jury. Ha.

A San Diego judge has declared a mistrial in a kidnapping and assault case after the defendant smeared excrement on his lawyer's face and threw it at jurors. The judge boosted defendant Weusi McGowan's bail from $250,000 to $1 million after the Monday incident.

I ain't going out like that! Mistrial???? I'll say. That definitely shouldn't happen at court.

The most notable thing in this story is that the guy's name is Weusi. Weusi?!

I've never heard this name before. Just looked it up. It's Swahilian meaning blackness. I thought it was Swahilian for shit-thrower.

I would assume you would be held in contempt if you throw s**t at the jury. If I was a juror on that case I'd be pissed if that happened.

I'd immediately be like "Guilty! Guilty! Yeah, this guy definitely gets the chair. Case closed. We're leaving"

Jury doodie.

2009-01-28T04:32:00.000-08:00

Hello.

Star Trek creator and wife's ashes are being sent to space.

yup. Roddenberry's ashes are going to space!

Now I'm thinking about what I want to do with my crumbs when I die.

Maybe I can make them into a paste and cook them into a cake or pie or perhaps I will blend them in to my own homemade peanut butter.

How much ash does one body make?
How does the crematory know that the ashes are definitely yours?

Does it even matter?

I actually think I would like to get stuffed. Taxidermy. yeah, I'd like to get taxidermeed(?)

Taxidermy.net

I would freeze myself like this:

And position myself (well I will ask someone to position me this way in my will) right inside my front door.

prop me up in the center of the dining room table. I actually look kind of dead here.

Have a wonderful day. Snow day!!!

ooohh also Hungry caterpillars force Liberian emergency Crazy....

2009-01-27T04:19:00.000-08:00

It's STEVE TUESDAY SUCKA!!!

That's Steve. He's doing that right now.

This is a list of plants cat's shouldn't eat:

Almond (Pits of) Aloe Vera Alocasia Amaryllis Apple (seeds) Apple Leaf Croton Apricot (Pits of)Arrowgrass Asparagus Fern Autumn Crocus Avacado (fuit and pit)Azalea
Baby’s Breath Baneberry Bayonet Beargrass Beech Belladonna Bird of Paradise Bittersweet Black-eyed Susan Black Locust Bleeding Heart Bloodroot Bluebonnet Box
Boxwood Branching Ivy Buckeyes Buddist Pine Burning Bush Buttercup Cactus Candelabra
Caladium Calla Lily Castor Bean Ceriman Charming Dieffenbachia Cherry (pits, seeds & wilting leaves)Cherry, most wild varieties Cherry, ground Cherry, Laurel Chinaberry Chinese Evergreen Christmas Rose Chrysanthemum Cineria Clematis Cordatum Coriaria
Cornflower Corn Plant Cornstalk Plant Croton Corydalis Crocus, Autumn
Crown of Thorns
Cuban Laurel
Cutleaf Philodendron
Cycads
Cyclamen
Daffodil
Daphne
Datura
Deadly Nightshade
Death Camas
Devil’s Ivy
Delphinium
Decentrea
Dieffenbachia
Dracaena Palm
Dragon Tree
Dumb Cane
Easter Lily *
Eggplant
Elaine
Elderberry
Elephant Ear
Emerald Feather
English Ivy
Eucalyptus
Euonymus
Evergreen
Ferns
Fiddle-leaf fig
Florida Beauty
Flax
Four O’Clock
Foxglove
Fruit Salad Plant
Geranium
German Ivy
Giant Dumb Cane
Glacier IvyGolden Chain
Gold Dieffenbachia
Gold Dust Dracaena
Golden Glow
Golden Pothos
Gopher Purge
Hahn’s Self-Branching Ivy
Heartland Philodendron
Hellebore
Hemlock, Poison
Hemlock, Water
Henbane
Holly
Honeysuckle
Horsebeans
Horsebrush
Horse Chestnuts
Hurricane Plant
Hyacinth
Hydrangea
Indian Rubber Plant
Indian Tobacco
Iris
Iris Ivy
Jack in the Pulpit
Janet Craig Dracaena
Japanese Show Lily *
Java Beans
Jessamine
Jerusalem Cherry
Jimson Weed
Jonquil
Jungle Trumpets
Kalanchoe
Lacy Tree Philodendron
Lantana
Larkspur
Laurel
Lily
Lily Spider
Lily of the Valley
Locoweed
Lupine
Madagascar Dragon Tree
Marble Queen
Marigold
Marijuana
Mescal Bean
Mexican Breadfruit
Miniature Croton
Mistletoe
Mock Orange
Monkshood
Moonseed
Morning Glory
Mother-in Law’s Tongue
Morning Glory
Mountain Laurel
Mushrooms
Narcissus
Needlepoint Ivy
Nephytis
Nightshade
Oleander
Onion
Oriental Lily *
Peace Lily
Peach (pits and wilting leaves)
Pencil Cactus
Peony
Periwinkle
Philodendron
Pimpernel
Plumosa Fern
Poinciana
Poinsettia (low toxicity)
Poison Hemlock
Poison Ivy
Poison Oak
Pokeweed
Poppy
Potato
Pothos
Precatory Bean
Primrose
Privet, Common
Red Emerald
Red Princess
Red-Margined Dracaena
Rhododendron
Rhubarb
Ribbon Plant
Rosemary Pea
Rubber Plant
Saddle Leaf Philodendron
Sago Palm
Satin Pothos
Schefflera
Scotch Broom
Silver Pothos
Skunk Cabbage
Snowdrops
Snow on the Mountain
Spotted Dumb Cane
Staggerweed
Star of Bethlehem
String of Pearls
Striped Dracaena
Sweetheart Ivy
Sweetpea
Swiss Cheese plant
Tansy Mustard
Taro Vine
Tiger Lily *
Tobacco
Tomato Plant (green fruit, stem and leaves)
Tree Philodendron
Tropic Snow Dieffenbachia
Tulip
Tung Tree
Virginia Creeper
Water Hemlock
Weeping Fig
Wild Call
Wisteria
Yews — e.g. Japanese Yew
English Yew
Western Yew
American Yew

---------------------

I know right? I can't believe cats cannot eat Mexican Breadfruit. It's just unfair.

2009-01-26T04:12:00.000-08:00

Hello. It's monday.

I have a new song and if you'd like to hear it....it's right here on the right ----> of this page. It's called "Cannonball in My Pool". It really came from a dark place within. I hope you enjoy it.

I bowled a 210 yesterday in the Hambones win over Bowling with Scissors.

HAMBONES!!!

2009-01-21T11:30:00.000-08:00

Bad Smell in club

I did this.

2009-01-20T16:56:00.001-08:00

2009-01-08T14:04:00.000-08:00

Next week is the Charleston Comedy Festival:

January 14-17 is the Charleston Comedy Festival in beautiful Charleston South Carolina. I am doing two shows at the Music Farm.

You can get tickets here.

or here.

OR you can get them in every other word in this sentence.

I love this place and this festival. If you live close (I consider up to three days of driving close) you should come.

Okay thanks. oh I wonder what happens when you click this. (I promise you its not tickets. Really.)

See?

2009-01-05T20:09:00.000-08:00

Hey. the Charleston Comedy Festival is next week. Charleston, South Carolina. Its amazing and fun and funny. you should come. I am doing a show called Stand-up Showdown at The Music Farm...official link after the jump.
There is no jump. I just read that sometimes on blogs. I don't know how to do jumps. More soon. Thanks.

Charleston Comedy Festival (oh,...that was a jump...siiick)

2008-12-06T22:09:00.000-08:00

I've started to compile a list of phrases I think I say too much. I want to stop using them. Here is what I have so far:
(I will also show the first image returned in a google image search for the saying...yay.)

1. "I hear that". I would really like to stop saying this. I hear that. That's the most stripped down answer to anything. I hear that. I acknowledge your mouth has been moving yes.

Awesome so far.

2. "Isn't it ironic?" Oh my God. Every time I hear this gem slip out of my mouth I immediately feel like a douchebag. Like, "man, no one here will ever think of me the same way because I just said that".

The picture thing already felt stupid to me.

3. "Literally across the street." This is an interesting one that I think everyone uses. We only really say literally when we say this phrase. "yeah, yeah and the restaurant is literally across the street". You understand.

4. "Hey Moonshine, I'll tear that squirrel's ass up". Just kidding, I've never said that.

5. "What are you doing for the fourth?". It just seems aggressive.

6. "How much you bench?" I'm too competitive, I know.

7. "Can I have the Baconator please?" I said this today. Once is enough. But man, it is ridiculously good. It's a Double Cheeseburger covered in tons of bacon.

Should be illegal. Really. That sandwich did dirty things to me. Its not a sandwich. It's like a meat house. Coincidentally, that's what people shortened my last name to sometimes when I was a fat kid. Meathouse. Then it got shortened to Meathose. Then to Mee Toes. Then she goes. Brie ghost and Fritos, Cheetos then Bleedy-nose and finally back to Fat Boy.

8. "You've never seen Boogie Nights?"

Uh...brb.

2008-11-17T07:00:00.000-08:00

Lucky Man Survives Getting Run Over By Train.

Is he really that lucky?

Says the conductor tried to stop but by the time the coal train stopped 8 cars had passed over this guy. Wow. Lucky.

It also says it is unclear why he was lying on the tracks.

Hmmm...

Why would this enigma lay down on train tracks?

"Yup. I was just relaxing...in my skirt..on this ground level massaging bench"

News is not news anymore.

"This just in...We have "just ins""

"And yes, I know about the left side of my face. I already know about it. And I know you are staring at it and you think its an injury. Like, maybe I boxed for a few years and got out after it went too far in the underground scene when I hit my face against a forklift in a roundabout."

"Oh what's a roundabout? Its a fight that usually takes place in a parking lot or a Department store right before closing time consisting of more than 5 men or women...more at 11."

He's the lucky one.