Monday, March 23, 2009

I Hate Frogs.

I hate frogs.

I like living in NYC because there are no frogs. I hate them because for some reason my brain tells me that I am afraid of them. Why? Why am I afraid of frogs? I'm not afraid of poison from frogs or anything like that. I am fearful of their moves and how not normal it is to hop around. So unpredictable. And sometimes they land on you and just hang out on you. I avoid them. I don't like to see them. You understand.

Here's how it happened. I was riding bikes one day with my friend Bobby around my neighborhood. Selden, NY. Long Island.

I got that map from a paper diner menu.

Bobby was a tiny kid. Like a freak bald at 11, firecracker-lovin, fetal alcohol-syndrome, swearing, cigarette smoking doosh. We were riding on the road right behind the construction for the new Selden Home Depot!

We stopped on our bikes and noticed the streets were flooded with little tiny toads. Millions. There were so many they were just spilling in to the sewer drains. And we had been riding over them for a few blocks and didn't noticed.

My Dyno was covered in pieces of frog.

*not mine..but looks just like it.

I panicked. I started pedaling hard and just ditched Bobby. Bye freak. Frog pieces were cascading down all around me. Hitting me on my back. "Is this how I am going to die?"- I thought. "Yes." - I also thought.

I made it home.

I left my bike in the driveway.

Every year, the frogs got bigger and bigger and stronger and stronger. So did I. Well, I got bigger and a little softer. Here is a pic of me during puberty:

But I was still terrified about these frogs. I hated cutting the grass, swimming in the pool (you'd have to check the filter for dead frogs), walking around the TWO FROG PONDS MY PARENTS PUT IN! --

They knew of my fear and still built TWO frog ponds.

"Oh, you're afraid of bears? Well, we built a Grizzly sanctuary in your bathroom."

"Oh, you're afraid flying? We moved in to a plane."

"Oh, you're afraid of your Dad? He lives here everyday. Wait, no he doesn't, you're fine."

I'm fine.

Frogs have been in every place I have ever lived in. Not anymore. Thank you NYC.

I'd kill myself!!!

If it rained frogs on me. Again.

My family always took the fear as a joke. I will never do that to my kids. I will nurture their fears. Help them to help them grow. I respect their fears. If my kid is afraid of monsters under the bed. I will hire my friends to hide under there. I will pay them to stay until around three a.m., when my kid son is at his loneliest. Then, my buddy...probably Greg, will shake the bed and groan and chant. Real chanting though. Not some junior varsity bullshit. Three weeks of legitimate chanting lessons will lead up to this. I will take my kid's fear seriously. And invest in them for the future.

The fear my child will feel will be real, genuine and I will not scoff at it. Too many parents make this mistake.

Come on!

I found this. Could barely watch it.

I could barley watch it. (that's a funny word mistake to make)

"I could barley watch that video about the history of beer"

"I could barely believe I am friends with you"

Can't believe you read this.

Info on chanting here.