Monday, March 26, 2007

I saw Christina Friday night at Madison Square Garden.

She opened up with "Ain't No Other Man".

Except this guy.

No special guests at the show.

Everyone stood when she sang "Beautiful". Naturally.

The..uh...Pussycat dolls opened up for Chris.

2 of them can sing. 3 of them can dance. 1 of them can scare you with the faces she makes. None of them dissapointed.

I'm not all that into either of the musical acts. But, I was in a luxury box???!!! Ridiculous. No crowds. You just walk in take an elevator to your suite. It has a bathroom. Fully stocked bar. And then 5 minutes after I got there this woman walks in with a giant plate of burgers.


Highlight of the show = burgers.

I've completely wasted your time.


Wednesday, March 14, 2007


This guy admits his 9-11 terror acts.

This is the guy.

Well thats great. This is what he looked like before:

No way does terrorism pay. End up looking like that.

That's like I used to look lke this:

And now I look like this:

Gross. How could those prisoners volunteer for something like that?

Sicko terrorists.

I got nothin.

Today I was walking on the street and I passed this homeless guy asking people for change. But he had beautiful eyes. Amazing. The kind of eyes where you look in to them and they smell like your mothers cheeseburgers with onions. The kind of eyes that look like sweet Oriental children. (I only said oriental because of how ridiculously cute Oriental babies are) Much cuter than white kids. Look:

Ridiculous. They're both babies.

"Slick shoes! Slick Shoes!" Nice.

Whatever. So this homeless guy had great eyes. You should be able to find work with eyes like that. Unless, people are just throwing money at him because of his eyes. He realized this was his best way to earn a living.

I didn't give him any money.

What? Nice story. People reading this are like:

"Wow I never had my computer take a crap on me until I read this blog. My computer just took a shit all over me."

His buddy's like, "What? What the hell. Is that shit? That is shit!"

"It's computer shit."

"What the hell is computer shit?"

"I don't know what happened, I read this blog and my computer just.....I didn't even know computers were filled with shit."

His buddy starts reading the blog and throws up.

"Oh, what the hell?! Don't read it. Don't fuckin' read it. Gross."

The buddy runs away to clean himself.


Wow that was a gem, huh? Filthy. Schtupid.

I read this story (Can't find it on web. Sorry) "Another shit. The computer shit again!"

No, seriously. I read this story about a kid making a pea shooter and bringing it to school. Pea shooters look like this:

Sometimes they have a balloon attached to a small piece of plastic pipe. And you shoot a pea out of it. Or spitball, or something likea pea. So this kid shot a kid and he got expelled from school and arrested. They charged him with posession of a missile. Posession of a missile?

missiles look like this:

There's no other category? It goes from brassknuckles to pocket knife to....Missile?!

How bout' sling shot?

that kid is going to have a tough time fillin out job applications later on.

"Have you ever been convicted of a felony?"

"Uh, yes. One"

"What was it?"

"Um....uh.....posession of a missile"

And now when the kid who got shot tells his side of the story is he like pointing to his arm saying,

"Right here. Right about here. This is where the missile hit me".


Welp. Hope your family is doing fine. On tomorrow's weblog: "Running the mile and shirts and skins-more tales of a fat child's miserable existence". Seriously.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

I typed in "Havin' fun" in a google image search. Here's some of the wonderous things I found:

The Havin Fun Quartet. (that's really their name)
The one in the dark pink shirt looks like she's the dirty one.
It actually looks like she's goosing the woman on the right.


Hmm.....I guess that could be fun.



More havin fun:

Right after this picture, the guy on the right slapped that guy in the nuts.

That dog was gone in two bites.

That's mean.

That's it................sorry.

Sunday, March 11, 2007

I'm not good at html suff and I can't minimize photos (see: last blog). So, sorry.

I've made love to food. In fact this morning, I put on a clinic at brunch:

2 eggs. (over easy)
2 Sausages. (butterlflied, actually)
Mash Poatatos and gravy.
2 pieces of toast.
2 peroiges filled w/potato. (I know, didn't even think about double potato. w/sour cream AND applesauce on side)
Coffee, water. A bite of waffle.

Originally wanted banana pancakes, but the diner had no peanut butter.


When it came to me that this what I wanted to eat, I was forced to think of myself passing out dead in some hotel room.

I have food shame.

One of my favorite seafood dishes is scallops. I love delicious, sauteed scallops with like some sauce or butter. Or butter suace! Oh my God!

But look at what I found:


And scroll........

"Push, push Mr. Ming, almost there!!!"

"and push, breathe and......"

"Almost and.."It's a......."


I don't like when they give food personallities.


I don't want to eat personality.

It's a raisin! All natural. That's disgusting. How does that make them more appealing to us?.....

.....Oh I know, because they are in a band.

That's right. I only eat peanuts that think they are better than me.

I guess the reason I don't like when advertisers give food personalities is kind of like, you know, when you are meeting someone for the first time and you have an idea in your head of what they look like, but when you meet them you can't really remember what you thought they loooked like in your fake imaginery head vision?

Well, with food, I already have an idea of what it sounds like, what it would say to me if it could:

"I love being inside you".

And this is what a dust mite looks like (they live all around you millions of them):


"Nothing, nothing, just wanted to get a quick photo, sorry"



Thursday, March 08, 2007

Tonight is Cashmonkey at Limerick House. Cashmonkey is a weekly comedy show that is free. It starts at 9pm and is free and located at Limerick House 69 W.23rd Street between 5th and 6th avenues. It's FREE every week. This is how good Cashmonkey will make you feel. If you let it.

Like this guy.

Cashmonkey 9pm Free Limerick House. Great comics. Decent hosts, and okay crowds.