Thursday, December 28, 2006

Mid-holiday week. Great. Hope Christmas was nice for you.

Cloned food is okay to eat.

I've been trying to think of a feel good family story, you know, for the holidays. So here it is:

This is the story about a show. The Donkey Show.

No, sorry, that was stupid. Here it is:

In third grade, there was this kid named Pete Stump. A perfect name for this kid. He was the kid who wore brown every day. The same suit. Brown shirt, brown pants. He was obnoxious and had a voice that sounded like mix of Dale Earnhardt Jr, Pee Wee Herman, and a frog.

One day in class, Mrs. Leon was handing out the calendar for the cafeteria? Did your school do this? Every month you would get a calendar for the food served at lunch for the kid who were allergic or maybe those kids on free lunch could show their folks. Pete Stump was a free lunch kid.

So, Mrs. Leon passes out these calendars and the chalk board behind her read "Big Math Test Tomorrow". This was very important to Mrs.Leon. She told the class to settle down and asked "Tomorrow is a very big day, who can tell me what's happening tomorrow?"

Pete's arm flew straight up in the air. "ooh, ooh", he said anxiously.

"Go ahead Pete, what's tomorrow?" The words "Big Math Test Tomorrow" displayed directly on the board behind her.

Pete jumped up from his chair and planted his feet firmly to the floor. He pumped his chest out proudly and in his kind of twangy southern deviated septum voice proclaimed:


Ah ha ha ha ha! I peed myself. Nice brown suit, Pete. It helps to hide all the stains.


Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Hi. I Keep seeing the commercial for Lunesta on the tele over and over again. Its the commercial for the sleeping pill that has the green butterfly as its mascot, I guess. If I was laying in my bed a night and a neon green butterfly landed on my chest, I wouldn't be able to sleep...for a long time.

I'd be terrified. "Oh my God! There's a fucking huge bug in here!" "And its glowing!" "Get the fuck off me!" I guess I'll just fall asleep peacefully. Terrible spokes..uh..butterfly for that prouct. You know what helps me sleep? Ticks. Hypercolor ticks. Aah. So relaxing.

Ridiculous. What ever happened to a nice cup of warm milk? Didn't that use to work? Try doing something during the day. Or counting sheep? Now, it takes a radioactive butterfly to help people calm down.

This guy. So tired. He needs ticks.

Also saw this commercial for a metal detector. A metal detector? The guy on the commercial is like, "my wife is really proud of the weight I lost, but she's really proud of this." Then he holds up this horrible looking old gold ring and the shot freezes. Terrible. It's like a Ring Pop.

And your wife is not proud of the weight you lost. Because you didn't lose any weight. You don't lose weight detecting metals in your own backyard. "Honey, look, another nickel". And even if you did lose weight and your wife was proud of you for a second, it's completely gone when she realizes you spent money on a metal detector. And now, you're spending time looking for shit you lost the last time you were in your backyard.

Is that a Chip's Ahoy?

Nice hobby.

Have a great day today!

Sunday, December 17, 2006

Hi. I was on the phone with my father today and we were fighting. It got pretty nasty, and I felt for the first time I was gonna go nuts and lash out at my Dad.

He was like " Why are you acting like such an asshole?"

I was like "Me? An Asshole? Well, you've said alot of stupid things today".

He said " You're acting like a little shit".... Here's where it got weird.

I was like "No I'm not! You're being a total cock-tease".........
I had said it so fast and fueled by adrenaline that I had no idea what i had just spewed.

"What did you just call me?" He asked.

I knew he didn't really have any idea what that was, but as competitive as I am with him, and filled with anger, I continued to sell it.

"Yeah, you heard me. You're a cock-tease".

"What do you mean by that"?

Still, I continued to sell it.

"I mean you tease my balls, Dad. You get me all fired up and then you leave me hanging."

I knew that he had no way to respond or at least didn't even want to fathom that I was somehow telling him he was good at foreplay or something. So he just hung up the phone.

Was he mad? Could he be mad that I called him a cock-tease? No way, right? I mean, it's not true. So I knew I needed to apologize to him. That was absurdly awkward....

(later that day)

"Hello?" He answered his cell.

"Dad. It's me. I'm sorry."

"Sorry? You should be sorry. Why don't you tell me what you're sorry for"? He sounded pissed.



I hesitated. "Dad...I'm sorry I called you a're not a cock-tease."

"And I don't tease your balls, right"?

"No, no. You don't tease my balls. In fact, you've never had anything to do with that".

"That's all I wanted to hear... I love you.".

"Uh, I love you too, Dad".

We hung up.

And that was the first time my Dad told me he loved me. Right after I called him a cock-tease.


Here are some pics of fathers and sons who are much happier, and that's sad:

Surpisingly, the guy on the left is the Dad.
(why wouldn't he let the kid hold the fish anyway?...)

The Gillespies.

Something is getting burned into the the psyche of this child.

He passed his test. Mutha fucka! My boy. Mutha fucka Mutha fucka. Mutha Fucka!

It's only fair I put a pic of me a my pops:

I love you Dad...cock-teasing Muthafucka.

Saturday, December 09, 2006

This is great.

Woman mistakes pistol for cigarette lighter. Are you serious? At the end of the story it says 90 minutes earlier she slapped a guy in the face three times for inappropriately touching her. Seems shooting yourself in your face is a little bit inappropriate.

How do you mistake a lighter for a gun? Or was she really just trying to light the cigarette with the gun? Here are some other things she may use to light her smokes...


Lightsaber. (ridiculously appropriate pic)

Rocket launcher.


And maybe someday she'll mistake her rettes for these


Have a nice weekend.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

I'm miserable today. So what.

Some Current Events that are also pretty miserable.

Mother has son arrested for going through his gifts?!

Are you serious?

She says" It was only to teach my son a lesson...he's been going through life doing things...and getting away with it?"

He's 12, you dope. Imagine getting arrested when you are 12, and finding out your mom gave you up? They charged the kid with petty larceny. Hilarious. That kid is fucked. Forever. I'm starting to feel a little better.

Another thing that makes me feel better:

I'm not this guy.

Or this girl.

This is mean...sorry. Actually they are the only two people who read this blog.

Another Current Event:

This guy threw a pig at a hotel. Seriously

Best part about that story. It was his second animal throwing offense.

Looks like it's gonna get cold everywhere soon. Great. Stay warm.

Sunday, December 03, 2006

Sunday! Great. There is an enormous amount of people who think that their cats are like dogs. Pretty much every cat owner you meet tells you about their dog-like cat. "Oh, Tabs is cool, she's just like a dog".
Oh, really? You know who else's cat acts like a dog? The past 7,000 cat owners I've met.

That made me sound so aggressive. Sorry, here:

Adorable Kitten Last Moments. Time Life Magazine.

It's funny when people end a story they are telling with "End of Story."

Okay, "so that was the end right?".

"Yeah, end of story".

"So I told her to shut up and get in the car, end of story".

"You must agree, that was a great end of the story. End of story.".

Or sometimes people say,"period".

"That's it! Period."

We don't have to do that ever. We can use inflection nowadays.

I can't tell if the little guy on the right is just in a weird perspective in the picture, or just really little.

I went to a library recently. It was a little one here by my apartment. They had a corner that was designated, "The Teen Action Zone". Wow. What goes on in the Teen Action Zone? I picture kids in braces making out. But, actually reading goes on in the Teen Action Zone.

I guess a library is one of the only places that can have a "Teen Action Zone". Some places you can't name The Teen Action Zone:

1. The backseat of your car.

2. Your computer.

3. Your mind. (and then point to it and say, you know what this?...It's the T.A.Z.)

I alway's get kind of weary when I drive through an area that has this sign posted:

I always grip the wheel really tight and lean in really close, like I'm expecting deaf children to dart out and hang on the car like a safari. I picture so many deaf kids that's its like the monkeys in the kitchen of the house in Jumanji.

Okay. Have a nice afternoon.