Hey.

Don't you think this Dyson guy is a little too confident about his "re-inventing" of the vacuum?

"It never loses suction."



Yeah, we know. We've seen the commercials where at first we think they are for a Lexus or maybe diamonds or fancy chocolate. But nope. Its for vacuums. And then he autographs the commercial and just waits for the girls to show up and suck his pants off with his own vacuum.

This guy is a serious inventor, though. He invented these things called "sea trucks" in his final year of school that provided platforms for vehicles to land on without land or jetties. Pretty amazing.


And then he went on and invented The Ballbarrow.






"Honey? Where's The Ballbarrow? Seriously? Is the Ballbarrow in the shed or what? I told you that this weekend I'm gonna need the Ballbarrow""




The Ballbarrow? Isn't that a sex move?

Funny how I've never invented anything and I'm shitting on the Ballbarrow.


But if this guy is such a great mind, and it seems like he is...









oh what's this? Is it a device that lowers blood pressure immediately when you stick your arm in to it? Can it de-arm a ticking time bomb? Will it help with law enforcement?








"No. It's a hand dryer."


Oh Dice. Thanks a bunch, buddy. We needed this. It is so much better than the old way:



Hand dryers.






Have a great day, enjoy.

Rare Beached Melon-Head Whale Rescued

Rescued or ruined? Imagine this. You're a whale. You're name is Chase. That's a sick name for a whale. Chase. "Heeeey Chase." the ladies say. And within the whale community there is constant chatter about interacting with people on Earth. Dry Earth. It is like Hollywood. And the whales who have already met up with humans are now like celebrities in the whale world. And you are an overachiever. You came up with this crazy idea one day to to go make your big entrance on Playinda Beach, Florida. You're going to impress them with a real nice blowhole display. They will marvel at every inch of your 900-lb body. They have never seen or met anyone like you and you are going straight to the top. Their worlds will never be the same.

HOPE.

And then you arrive on land. The big moment. But they already know you. They know all about you and you find out that they know you as "Melon-Head"??????????

"Hey look everyone...on the beach...its a Melon-Head!" - Humans.

"Wait no, I'm not a Melon-Head. I'm Chase." - Chase the whale.

"Hey Melon-Head. We're here to rescue you."

"Rescue me? This is my entrance. This is my show."

"Get the sea mammal transfer hammock for Melon-Head here. We're going to take him to Panama City."

"Why? Why do I have to go to Panama City?"

"Damn, Melon-Head is like 900 lbs"

"That's exactly how much I weigh."


It's sad, but for some reason because he's named Chase I don't care.

######################


I googled imaged the name "Chase" and look at these images.




So Chase.











deutsch bank.










The name of this picture is "Awesome". On the back it says "Best day ever - NYSSMA '93!"








Chase.

GOD Accused of Selling Cocaine Near Church

This drug dealer's name is GOD.

He looks like this:



That's just a story I thought you'd really like.


What really is going on?

Lightning sparks 800 fires in CA

See? GOD did that!





You sure I should write more?? JK


FAT TUESDAY is tonight in NYC at Rififi. We are moving the show to 10pm starting next week.


thanks

RIP

I think he did it right...right?

Teen Pregnancy Pact in Gloucester Mass Brotha.


What? 17 girls pregnant at once in high school on a pact. Reportedly some girls were dissappointed they didn't get pregnant.

Whatever happen to slap bracelets?



yesh.
(see? Even thats fun to do. saying yesh instead of yes. Try it)

Yesh.

Pregnancy pact? Join a bowling league.


Great.


One of the fathers, they said, is a 24 yr old homeless guy.




Yesh.

He's not 24 though.


whatever. have a nice weekend.

Hello.

Have you watched the new "American Gladiators"? What? You haven't seen it? Whaaaaaa? I'm watching it right now.




Meet Wolf. He has great hair. Great wolf hair. He looks like the lead singer of Styx, Tommy Shaw:




Wait a second. Are they the same guy for real?










Wow, Wolf you have great teeth., and I love "Blue Collar Man"


well...the show sucks.

It's no Nashville Star is all I'm saying.

I'm getting tired of this duo.


FAT TUESDAY tonight at RIFIFI NYC 8pm.